The valley mule

My lonely cold winter…

Did not come this year, nor do i expect it to. I have different company then i exspected some new some old, some more comforting then others. Lots of time to think and walk, and just a few snow storms to wash it all away, the grass never stopped growing, the trees are and have been in bud, there are flowers growing in the park and muddy footsteps to places that should have been covered in four feet of snow.

My children only got to wear their snowsuits once, hopefully they fit next year :( 

Its been okay, though the clarity that i was attempting to seek has been put on hold and replaced with little dramas i refuse to call my own, because they truly are not. I have found myself a completely different person then i expected and have been dealing with things i never thought i would experience. Not all bad, not all good, not all so typical but mostly human, and fleeting.

I am Happier then i ever have been, i am more loved then i thought i “deserved”, but i just learned to truly love myself, so its not so unexpected that something real would find me just in time. Back to the weather, this valley in all its hill sides and it angled views of sunsets and sun rises have once again gained new feeling and new perspective in my mind, not all good not all bad, just no longer fitting, losing its wonder, i long for spring rainstorms but not the smell of steaming pavement. 

It is not that i am in my normal “escape” mode, but there is a very deep sinking feeling, where i know i can provide this place with nothing else, and me being here just adds to the unrest of others. I know that i am settled in, from the roots where i grew, and its not that i do not want something different, but i just can not take care or care for all of this alone. I am far from alone a lot of the time, but i have to take the time to plan or to change things, i have to know whats for dinner or what is an appropriate time for something to happen, i suppose that is the homemaker of me, but without a real home, always thinking of something better, because i am just not allowed to settle.

waning and waxing

In the heart and mind through all of time, but here is not the place for poetry. 

The winter of 2011/12 that i have been looking forward to is apparently on hiatus, or something, mid December and the seasons barely broke a flurry, people say this happened a few years ago but i do not remember that. Most possibly because i was dreading it instead of waiting for it. Hmm…

Not much to say, other then life is full of task and duty and love, always love just more true then ever before, and more and more worries dwindle away.

The “holiday” approaches and i am less then excited, but i have no festivities planned or obligated to attend so it should pass like any other day. I am looking forward to shared moments with friends and family, that is all, avoiding consumerism with all my heart and soul, so i am sorry about the missing presents but i just couldn’t plant them this year.

So bless, bless, bless and please buy less.

BOX HOME (PLEASE!)

Cold Evenings

Fall is over as soon as the trees are bare for me, the warmth seems to be fading and Thanksgiving is days away. I am sinking into winter, or more so the idea of winter, how blankets and pillows will be acceptable on the couch and how it will take us at least an hour to get out of the house. There will be less tea dates and more time to myself, for contemplation or creativity to strike. 

This winter isn’t necessarily any different then any other i have experienced in my day, i am sure but there are some mild adjustments in mind. Such as friends and deep feelings drifting away, into unknown horizons, but i am looking forward to it. FOR THE FIRST TIME, i am looking forward to windchill, and wet socks ; ears and fingers that feel like they are falling off. 

I have no idea whats ahead, just like most other seasons passing, life and living is pretty unpredictable, but i know whats in mind and in heart. That is where i rest, in mind in heart, attempting to master my own nutrition so i can focus on meditation and some yogo, qi gong and tia chi… that should make the snow seem just a distant reminder of the coming spring. 

Spring already! yes winter please pass, as slow as need be, but i will always be looking for earth to plant seeds in.

as always, 

thankyou

and i am sorry :p

Oh sister, oh brother.

I can not hardly form thoughts, beyond what task is manifesting in front of me. The general answer to “How are you?” has shifted from “ok ehh” to “AMAZING!” Because i truly am amazed, that i woke up this morning and the day was real. The truth is form, and formless, the air is brisk and refreshing, and all i want to do is the dishes. 

My mind and heart are centered on being, and having love within without, no matters of chaos to grant me panic, only peace to sink in, further and further because truly i know of love, and grace.

Really short on words today although i am emerging within the thoughts that will inevitably  produce them. So i am patient and wait for the complete process to present itself, or maybe the best things are un expressible. 

Trying to be less poetic.

Life is so generally less then poetic, but in connection and in disconnection words flow out of these fingertips, so unconsidered. Thinking, or contemplation is a more difficult task then to react to feelings as they are occurring. I find myself in awe again after years of frustration, and running away. The movements of others around me make me realize just how still my mind truly is if i let it sit, but i manage to thrust myself into aggravation just to seem “normal”, talking about problems that i should be solving or making peace with. Feeding on vibes, feeding on plenty of past partitions i put in order in my mind that i wish to shed. I am coming to conclusions about things and about myself that i thought would take a bit longer. 

I know come snowfall, i will settle into life, i will settle into myself for one of the first times, and i want it more then i can put into words. This is one thing i can not push away mindfully because i have done so, so many times. I need me, and nothing else right now, i need my children to know their mother, but i must find that out first. People have these perceptions of me, or this idea of me that is untrue, but i want to fit it around this current shell and mold it to this soul, i am that person, but only if i can look truly into my own eyes and know for certain whats fitting.